One Day Up, the Next Day Down

 

               When I went to bed last night, I was excited that I was going to work today. I have not been at work since Monday night and although I have been fighting with a cold, I felt somewhat better last night. I love my job and absolutely love the people that I work with; in some ways they are like family to me. So getting with my family today was bringing me joy.

During the night, I felt like my throat closing up. I thought the cold was coming on stronger so I reached for the Nitequill. This all started about 1:30 in the morning and for two hours I was trying everything to make myself comfortable. I propped my pillows; rub vapor-rub on my chest, blew my nose several times, turned on the vaporizer but it wasn’t until around 3:00 when I finally went back to sleep. My alarm went off at 6:00 and I knew the minute I woke I would not be ???????????able to go into work. I was feeling a fever; I had a lump on the side of my neck, (glands) and couldn’t move. Ugh…sigh…

I knew I had to do it so, I called into work telling my special co-worker my sob story and she assured me to take it easy and get to the doctor. I called the doctor at 8:10 a.m. and I was able to get in by 9:00. I sat in the office for 45 minutes when I was finally called back. I had a strep test done and sure enough. I have strep throat, sinus infection and ear infection. Normally one would say, no biggie, get on an antibiotic and be well within 24/48 hours. See, my case is a little tricky though; because I have a kidney disease and am on all sorts of fun medications, I have to be careful of what I take. Long story made short, I was put on an antibiotic. All I could think of was how being on antibiotics for so long got me into this situation but when I voiced that, the doctor assured me that the one she was prescribing was safe and that I had to kill the infection. With my compromised immune system, I can easily catch everything right now and I sure did.

Defeated and Down, that’s how I feel. I am tired of being tired and sick. I am frustrated and very weary. MP900385327I have been fighting to get well for almost a year now and I am trying to find God in all of this. I know He’s here but today I’m just searching harder because I’m weak. When my husband came down the stairs, he found me in the chair, crying with my Bible open. I told him I was so tired of being tired and sick. He rubbed my hand and said it would be okay. I wanted to scream, “How do you know!” But I didn’t. I just wiped my eyes, pulled myself together and got into the shower.

Not only am I feeling down, I am feeling somewhat worthless. What could God use me for when all I can do is call on Him? I have no energy to help others. I can’t bake for a friend in need. I can’t visit a shut in. I can’t go to a Bible study and pray with ladies. I couldn’t even cook a meal a few nights this week. I am useless!!! Then to top it off, my pay check came in and it’s soooooo small!!! I knew going half time at work would be a huge adjustment in our finances but I had forgotten that I asked to have extra taken out for my retirement.  How can I contribute to the household bills? How can I do this to my husband? I’m crying as I type this because these feelings are so strong. I can’t contain the sadness right now.

Just a few minutes ago God brought me to the scripture about running the race…12 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

            When I first read it, I must confess I was immediately irritated. I looked up and shook my fists at God saying, “God, I am tired of running this race.” He immediately spoke to me and said, “You’re not running it alone. I’m here with you. My words to you Beth are that you do not have to grow weary and lose heart. I have got every detail taken care of. You will get better, trust me.” So, I can choose to throw my hands up in the air and give up or I can accept this difficult time and grow by it.  I turned to Isaiah 40:31 ESV and read out loud: But they who wait for the lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

God, thank you for bringing people into my day today that are praying for me and are thinking about me. I am so thankful for the huge support team that I have. I don’t understand this at all; but I will do my best to continue to give it you every day. Please bring purpose and direction to my day, to my life; take the hopelessness and turn it into true HOPE.  Thank you that I don’t have to walk alone. cross

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6 thoughts on “One Day Up, the Next Day Down

  1. Caren Mitchell February 28, 2013 / 2:58 pm

    Beth the hardest words to absorb while in a health crisis is “Just take care of yourself, for right now.” Since my rehabilitation I’ve been crushed with a need to do stuff for everyone. Physically, I just can’t. The irritation that comes with that statement “I just can’t” is guilt. Guilt for everything my family and friends have done for me, gone through because of me and put up with from me. When we can’t be as active as we once were it’s a bitter pill to accept, but we must swallow it. I’ve had to get over myself so many times in the last year. Those same feeling of being useless and unworthy. I know God knows my situation and His plan has brought me to where I am, so who am I to have negative thoughts about the outcome? I just ask for peace of heart and continue on. We can do it Beth! We just have to keep keepin’ on!

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    • Beth Farley February 28, 2013 / 3:07 pm

      Thanks for the encouragement. It is a day by day thing. I’ve always been so active, working full time sometimes two jobs and now this. I am not sure what God is up to. Some days I am okay and others, I’m unglued. Yes, we can do it. Hey thanks for the update on Mary. Good news!!! Beth

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  2. Tracey Knafel February 28, 2013 / 7:21 pm

    Oh girl… Sending you the biggest of hugs tonight. I wish I had answers for you but right now only God knows. Maybe this is a chance for you to rest and allow others to be used by God to hold you up. Somebody told me once that if we always try to do everything on our own and for ourselves we’re not allowing others to use the gifts God has given them.

    One minute at a time my sweet sister… God has this and you… I know it!

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    • Beth Farley March 1, 2013 / 11:14 am

      Thank you so much Tracey. It is loving comments like yours that helps me muddle through the “stuff” that can so easily bring me down. I love the connection with praying sisters. Very true in that, sometimes I have to let go and let others do. Ouch! So hard at times. Thanks again. Beth

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  3. evefulton March 2, 2013 / 6:03 am

    Worthless? No – I won’t go into how much you are worth to God, because I’m sure you already know all that, even if you just can’t feel’ it right now. To God you are an asset of immeasurable worth and when He invests His people in the world He doesn’t waste them. He chooses exactly the right way to get the best return. Make yourself available to God, and whatever you are going through He will use it to increase His Kingdom, in your life and the lives of others.

    Ueseless? No – right now you are blessing us all in your online community more than you will know. You are touching the lives of the people who follow your blog and comment, and you are touching the lives of others who are reading ‘invisibly’ and coming away with changed perspectives because of your honesty in sharing your struggles.

    God bless you, Beth – you are neither worthless nor useless.

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  4. Beth Farley March 2, 2013 / 8:52 pm

    You are so very kind. I just have my moments where I am discouraged and feel useless. My head knows that God doesn’t waste anything, however, wrapping my heart around that at times is very hard. You have been so kind to follow my words and always willing to encourage me. Thank you so very much. Beth

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