Building trust in relationships is very difficult for me. I had a rough time in my childhood trying to connect with kids and making friends. I was sick all of the time with asthma and back then, in the 70’s I didn’t have an in home breathing treatment. If I had an attack, mom would have to rush me to the emergency room for a few shots and let me tell ya, we got to know Princeton Hospital quite well.
Kids made fun of me. Kids made it very clear that they didn’t want to sit with me on the bus because my lunchbox smelled of soy milk, which was a rare thing to drink back then. I was always last to be picked for the kickball, softball or dodge ball team on the play ground. No one wanted me to be on their team because most often I would run and need to come off of the field or court because I couldn’t breathe.
Then of course like many young gals, I was rejected in high school with boy relationships. I was not the prettiest gal but I wasn’t ugly either. I wasn’t into the popular crowd but I also wasn’t a loner. I had some friends and I was content with that. Then in my junior year of high school I met my husband who eventually after 23 years of marriage and 26 years of knowing each other, up and left me; alone with three kids and a farm to maintain. My trust went out the window big time.
I am taking on on-line class about writing articles for magazines. The very first thing that professor recommended to her students was to write about what you know. Believe me; I know a lot about struggling with trust and dealing with pain of abandonment. I was angry with God when I was often hospitalized as a child and my mom had to go home to be with the rest of the family. I was angry when I was in high school and lost two patches of hair right before prom. I was angry when I suffered my 5th, 6th and 8th miscarriage. I was angry when my x-husband forgot my birthday and many a Valentine Days. I was angry when I had to move away from my family and I was most angry when I lost my dad to cancer. I was angry when I was diagnosed with a kidney disease and had to quit my full time job. I was angry with step family issues that were out of my control. I was angry with my current husband who had tried to shelter me from some things that he thought would hurt me which backfired. And now…I’m angry because my husband has lost his job again. I am not angry with him; but rather angry with the situation. I just want to get above all of this. I don’t want to go through this adjustment again. He will be trying to find a job as a truck driver, which is what he is and I respect him for that. He is a very hard worker and dedicated to his employer. I will hate being alone because he will be on the road and when I mean alone, I’m talking most of the week. He will become a truck driver again and I will become like a single woman again. I just want to shout out WHY GOD????
Where were you then God? I know you had to be right there. Where are you now God? I know you are here. I Know that I’ve been confused and continue to get confused but it is not because I don’t believe in You nor trust you, It’s because of FEAR…I know I will find you right in the middle of all of this. I will put my trust so deeply in you God. I don’t want this to be another time where I say it’s my way or the highway. I want you to be totally in control and I want to totally support my man. I want to remind him that he has value. I want us to work together to get through this.
Oh Dear God, please make me sensitive to what my man is facing. I pray for wisdom for both of us but mostly for him; that he would come to the cross, bow down and cry out to you. Help me to know how to build him up and surround him with Godly friends who will help him as well. Help us both to fully surrender to your purpose through this and I will trust you despite the uncertainty. Remove the anger and the fear God. As for myself God, I am afraid that I will not meet my husband’s expectations in this transition. I can’t promise that I will be level headed or patient and I am afraid of that. I am scared about the strain this might place on us financially and I am very fearful of being home alone again. My heart is not here in Missouri if I am alone again. But you have promised to give me the strength that I need.
I know I dominated this blog with my “fearful baggage” and I thank you for allowing me to vent. Dear friends, what do you do when you feel like the rug is being pulled out from under your feet? What do you do when you feel your trust is being shaken? Have you had times where you’ve had to surrender and trust? Is trust hard for you? Am I the only one? Please share your thoughts. I value everything you have to say. Thanks.
Philippians 4:13: I am able to do all things through Him, who strengthens me. HCSB