I tend to have a difficult time with being sick ESPECIALLY over the weekend. Did I say that with anger? YES!!! I have so little time with my husband. When he’s home the last thing I want to be is SICK. I had the flu last Tuesday. I thought by the weekend I would be over it, but guess what? I was not. I felt okay on Saturday, but I had to work all day. Then Sunday I woke up feeling yucky again. Sigh!
When you are not feeling well or get sucked down, what do you do to pull yourself up? There was a quote by Elie Wiesel…”Think Higher and Feel Deeper.” His story is so precious in his memoir, Open Heart. It’s his spiritual story of how he at the age of eighty-two, faced emergency heart surgery and he reflects back on his own life. In his writing, in his teaching, and in his public life, he questions if he has done enough for mankind? He shares his hope, despair, love, regrets and abiding faith.
I put myself on the couch while not feeling well and began to journal about the quote, “Think Higher and Feel Deeper.” I began to ask God what is the reason for my poor health right now? What is the reason for me having to be on the couch again? Why can’t I be up and about, living life the way God wants me to be living it? In that last question, I began to feel deeper and sobbed. I felt God soft whisper into my soul, “Beth you are living how I am having you live right now.” What does that mean? My journal unfolded page after page of hope and faith and reliance in God. I began to close my eyes and instead of feeling swept under by the ocean I started to feel the waves kiss my toes.
I no longer want to avoid the feelings that I feel during this season of my life. I want to dig deeper and feel my real self. I want to feel the sadness and loss of health and be okay with it. I want to use this time of digging and exploring to grow closer, to allow myself to unlock who I am. I do that by allowing myself to accept who I am right at this moment. My emotions are my feelings in motion. I cannot measure up to others expectations but only to my own.
Think Higher and Feel Deeper. This is good!
Psalm 41:12 NASB … As for me, You uphold me in my integrity, And You set me in Your presence forever.