Do you ever have one of those Monday’s? Oh boy, I’ve been having them a lot lately. But, on this particular Monday so many things just piled up. I woke up late, which means I got a late start to my writing. I decided to escape the noises of the house and go to a coffee-house to write. It was not only cold in there but it was too loud. I really didn’t have any other place I could go because my husband needed the car to go to work this afternoon. Yup, we’re sharing a car. My home is still cold because the heat is acting up. We’ve had someone in twice and it’s still having issues but we can’t afford a new heater right now. I’ve been living in a home that has been holding steady at 64 degrees with sub-zero temperatures outside. As long as I get up to keep clicking it on, it will continue to run. Ugh. I guess it’s better than a card board box. I mean, YES it is better. What is the matter with me. I’m on a soap box today.
My husband gets ready to go to work and does not have his keys. He thinks they may be in my daughter’s pocket because he gave them to her last night to move around the cars. So, I was on a hunt for keys for a little while, in the cold house, with the dirty dishes in the sink while looking down at a dog that won’t go poop because it’s too cold out for her. I can’t put her sweater on because her hair is too long and I can’t afford to get her groomed right now. I have Christmas and bills. My computer keeps crashing and I’ve lost a document. Oh excuse me for a minute; I have to go and CLICK the heat back on. Be right back.
So, what do I do? I shut down. I stop whining and talk to God. I took some time to just close my eyes and try to focus on the blessings I have. Are you sure God? Are you sure I’m doing what I am supposed to be doing in life? Can I go back to working full-time yet? Can my body handle that or is this the way it’s going to be? God, I don’t know if I have been relying on you the way I should be. I’m such a fixer. I want to fix everything and I just can’t, not this one. I can’t make my body heal any faster than it wants to. When my kidney doctor said it would take over a year to get to some normalcy, he wasn’t kidding. It will be a year in January 2014 that I was diagnosed with this kidney junk. I’m praying for a better year. So many things spiraled out of my control and I had to learn all over again to give it to you. I want to make it all better. I don’t want to be struggling financially and I don’t know why it has to be this way. I know money doesn’t make things better but it would sure help us out a lot.
For two years, I have been sick. For two years I’ve been on so many medications with so many side effects. It has caused such an attitude and painful issues within myself. Sometimes I feel so sick to my stomach that I feel like I’m having the flu. Sometimes I get so swollen that I can’t fit into my clothes and sometimes it makes me so tired that I can’t concentrate. Why?
As Winston Churchill once said, “Never give up. Never give up. Never give up. Never give up.” He must have said that so many times because we are so quick to throw in the towel. It’s really the best way to beat the odds in life though; never to give up. I must persist against all odds and remember that I’m not fighting the battle alone. If Mary could endure giving birth to the Christ child in a cold and dirty stable and then watch him take his last breath on the cross, then I can endure this financial blow; this uncertainty and confusion. Because I will never give up.