As I entered into a relationship several years ago, I thought my life would be blue skies; only filled with puffy, marshmallow clouds. I thought I would float right into my happily ever-after. Sounds naive, I know; but to my broken heart and body, this was my dream, it’s what I was striving for.
What I didn’t know about this imaginary picturesque dream was that I had tried to stay atop of everything; coasting above all of the muck. Eventually it overtook me and my white marshmallow clouds turned into black thunderous storms constantly bringing me turbulence. I found myself at the age of 52 in one of the greatest storms of my life.
At the first two months my focus on being good and following the rules worked for me. I received high fives and hugs. Once the curtains were hung, the non-acceptance began. I started to slowly spiral into an emotional pit.
Continual years of seeking approval I found that I was defining myself on what others thought of me. Was I saying the right thing? Was I wearing the right thing? Was I being helpful enough or being too helpful? The acceptance chatter was non-stop in my head.
Instead of drawing closer to Jesus, I allowed others to pull me away. I no longer thought about pleasing God but rather pleasing others. This though was not their fault; it was mine. I chose to put God to the side so that I could accomplish my acceptance mission.
I now find myself in a new chapter of my life. I have moved away from the negative and am trying to focus on the positive. I am taking MUCH quiet time to be with me and to be with God. I am finding my relationship with God to be so much more tender and loving because He didn’t give up on me.
God is love and He is alive. I may have been dying to Him but He remained alive in me. I just couldn’t find Him; BUT, He found me. You cannot fathom the depths of His love for us, nor can you imagine anything so insurmountable that He is not bigger still. Here’s the best part that I’m finding; He doesn’t change as I move closer to Him; my perspective changes and I see something I didn’t see before.
As we move closer to the Lord at any given time in our lives, He will show you new things about himself, his character, his love, his provision and protection.
Proverbs 16:9 NLT
We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps!